Inner Turmoil
by Ms. Topaz
Summary: Right after Jasper tries to kill Bella in New Moon. Bella is being stitched up, and Alice must try and cajole Jasper to come back to the rest of the family. Alice POV I know it's been done before, this is just my take on it. New Moon spoilers. R&R please!


**A/N: I don't own Twilight or any of those great books. The most I can hope for is to be allowed to play in their world...**

**Oh. I also don't have a beta, so don't flame me for any mistakes.**

I run out the door, scouring our backyard with eagle-sharp eyes. Several seconds of fruitless searching passes, until I finally spot his hunched form sitting on the edge of the riverbank, his black shadow silhouetted against the pale green grass.

My hand comes to rest on the back of his neck. "Jazz…." I murmur softly. "Jazz, it's okay."

He whirls around, his eyes black with fury and frustration. I saw the conflict raging in his eyes, the battle being waged upon his soul. I knew how he felt; the temptation of the bloodlust on one hand, the familiarity of the person whose blood he craved on the other. It was Bella; we all love Bella.

"No, Alice! It's not! It is _not_ okay! I nearly killed Bella back there!" He shouts, tearing at his hair. His head drops back to his hands, and he's completely still.

I fold myself onto the grass beside him and lean my head on his shoulder. "Jasper, Bella's not mad. Not at you, anyway." I concede. "She seems mad at herself for…tempting you. But not at you at all."

He nods wearily and asks one word: "Edward?"

I shake my head quickly. "Scared, but not mad. We've all slipped up. And you're newer to abstinence then the rest of us. It's _understandable_."

He shook me off of him and gave a bitter laugh. It stung my heart. "Edward isn't mad that I nearly ripped out the throat of the woman he loves? He isn't the least bit _mad_ about _that_?! I didn't notice anybody else going for Bella's head, or did they after I left?"

"Bella is a human! All of us, every single one of us in that house have felt that desire! Even Emmett has admitted to me about some of his cravings! And Esme couldn't deal with the scent either." I remind him, an edge in my voice. Why wouldn't my love listen to reason?

I run my hand through his hair and feel his body relax under my touch. Then he tensed again as he mutters, "It wasn't just the blood, Alice."

My eyebrows bunch together. "Then what did you want?" I whisper.

So quietly I can barely hear him, he whispers, "I was going for the kill."

My hand freezes on the nape of his neck. "What?"

"I wanted the kill, Alice." He turns his head toward me, and the anguish breaks my stilled-heart. "Don't you get it? I wanted to kill her!"

"I got that part Jazz. I heard you." I say softly. "But I also understand it. We've all been there."

His arm reaches out and encircles my waist. "Alice." He says softly. "I don't think I can go back there. Not just yet."

"You really should, Jazz." I murmur, stroking hair from his brow. "You have to."

Jasper's voice is rough with emotion and pain but rings with finality. "I can't."

"You have to."

"I can't."

"Yes you can."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

I stare at him for a long moment. "Yes."

He sighs heavily, the fight slowly draining from his argument. "Not quite yet, though. Once Bella's…fixed. What was the damage, exactly?"

I close my eyes and tilt my head up to face the moon, remembering the scent and sight of Bella's blood, then automatically fighting the surge of venom to my throat. "Besides the paper cut, you mean? A huge gash from her wrist to her elbow. It required approximately 35 stitches."

"Oh god..." He mutters. "I can't believe I did that to her."

"It is okay, Jasper. Nobody blames you."

He smiles ruefully. "Nobody except myself."

"But Carlisle doesn't. I know that his is the most important opinion to you. Do you think for one second that Carlisle has never slipped before? Of course he has. And Emmett-" I trailed off. I didn't even want to think about both of the times Emmett's physical strength hadn't been enough to control his desire. "Well, you know about Emmett."

A hard, brittle laugh tears from Jasper's throat. "Yes. I do know Emmett. Very well. I know exactly what he was feeling those nights. And I feel the same right now."

I smooth his unruly hair. It never lays smooth and flat, always small tufts standing up, like missed shocks of grass in a mowed field. "I don't see you doing anything to Bella, or anybody else. Come back inside Jasper."

He shakes his head, sending the hair I had just patted down flying into their usual disarray. "I will when I'm ready."

I rise and say gently, "Promise?"

He angels his head up to face mine, and the moon light throws his perfect features into sharp relief. He reaches for my hand, and I place my palm in his. "Promise."


End file.
